Extra-Special Insight from Ellie Simone

Most nights, Ellie and I hang out in the rocking chair in her room and recap the day before she goes to sleep. Tonight, we talked about hanging out at Hamlin Park with some of Daddy's friends and their kids. It was a beautiful day and we all had fun.

As I put Ellie in her bed for the night, I said, "Good night, Princess."

She said, "Good night, King Daddy."

I want you all to take note and give proper respect to my new title.

An Inconvenient Ignorance

I recently had another high school friend find me on Facebook. It's great to get back in touch with people I haven't spoken with in... let's just say many years. One day, however, this particular friend's status read, "[friend] is happy FAY is a dud, so much for global warming, het Alaska had it's coldest year in 133 years." After considering this for a bit, I wrote on his wall that global warming manifests itself as much in volatility as it does in average temperature increase. For good measure, I added that the North Pole would soon be out of ice (which is enough to end many a party). His response was swift and furious. I received a deluge of wall postings and messages telling me that what I (and so many scientists) thought was global warming was just part of the natural cycle of things on Earth.

What bothers me is that my past acquaintance is not alone. Just today, a story showed up on Digg making the same claims. Nevermind the references to the "Nomanic Time" and the "Greecian Empire," it's as if these people don't think that the science community or Al Gore ever picked up a 4th grade science book to learn about climate cycles - like the science community, upon hearing this, would slap its collective head and say, "Duh! Why didn't we think of that... Oh, well. Let's all drive our SUVs to the antarctic and spray Lysol at penguins for laughs."

I don't get why people so strongly feel the need to deny that 6 billion of us using up the good stuff and spewing the bad stuff might have a negative impact on the environment. I mean, my refrigerator goes through natural cycles of grocery quantities. If I all of a sudden have ten house guests and my groceries are getting depleted more quickly, do I just write it off as the natural cycle of things? I may run out of ice, and that would end the party pretty quickly.

Even if I (and so many scientists) are wrong, is the call to action from the deniers to carry on? "Nothing to see here, folks. Keep slashing and burning as usual. While you're at it, why not fuck an endangered species. Could be your last chance..." What sort of irresponsibility are these folks hoping to preserve?

Can anyone tell me?

Insight from Ellie Simone

INT. MOMMY'S BATHROOM

It is bath night. Daddy is helping Ellie get undressed for her bath.

Ellie (looking into mirror): Look Daddy - I have boobs.

Daddy: Uhmmm... Yeah, I guess you do.

Ellie: Just like you!

Daddy: ...

Tips For Living

One would think that listening to Mastodon would make buying a salad for lunch seem more bad-ass, but it doesn't. Actually, the opposite happens...

Gus

In high school, I knew a guy named Gus Martinez. I recently found him through mutual friends on Facebook. Back in high school, Gus was a fun, approachable guy, but the most amazing thing about him was that he could fart at will.

Our friend Brian Harrington was the first to point it out to me. He said, "Check it out. Gus can fart at will. Gus: fart." And Gus (or rather, Gus' ass) would respond without missing a beat, "Phtpltphhtpltptpt..." At first, I thought it was staged, but you could sneak up behind Gus between classes while he was talking to others and say, "Gus: fart!" and he would respond in the only way that makes this story worth telling: "Phtpltphhtpltptpt..."

Years later, I was flipping through the pages of GQ (or something) magazine. Halfway through the magazine, there was an ad. I forget what the ad was for (although, it may have been Calvin Klein), but the subject of the ad was Gus Martinez. I remember calling to my girlfriend at the time.

"Hey! Come here! This guy! This guy right here. I went to high school with him. His name is Gus Martinez. He can fart at will!"

La Vida Cheech Y Chonga

So... There's this guy across the street from us. He seems like a nice guy, but he has a penchant for baggy pants and do-rags. He seems to sit on his front porch smoking quite a bit waiting for... I'm not sure. But he's waiting for something.

At least once a day, an ice cream truck stops in front of his place. This might seem all charming and bucolic except that the ice cream truck is fucking outrageously loud and usually stops after the kids have gone to bed. It's motor and freezer unit whir like a wind tunnel and the crappy-ass speaker up top blasts "Pop Goes the Weasel" while he waits. Occasionally, I see the driver making odd hand gestures at the house. He must be practicing his ASL for the Special Ed classes he's paying for by driving an ice cream truck.

The weird thing is, I've never actually seen anyone come out of the house and approach the truck. I know something must be going down, but all I ever see is the damned loud-ass truck sit there for a bit and then leave. It's like this gansta has one of those invisibility cloaks they've been talking about in the news.

I've made up a little ditty I sing to myself to alleviate my annoyance at the truck:

"Just outside the drug dealer's house,
The Ice Cream Truck is idle,
The invisible gangsta has 10K in cash,
There's a drug deal."

Reality TV I would Watch

Hear me out here: John and Kate Plus Nate.



The premise is that for the next season of the hit TLC show, DJ LA* Jesus moves in with the couple and their litter of offspring. Hilarity (naturally) ensues...

Breaking News: Obama Friends With Stoner Guy

After reading this article, bigSoda would like to be the first to report that Obama is friends with Kal Penn, that fast-talking, pot-smoking, slider... -sliding dude from Harold and Kumar go to White Castle (Kal Penn is no relation to Sean Penn, who played a slow-talking, pot-smoking, pot... -smoking dude in Fast Times at Ridgemont High). What does this mean for his campaign? Would the Germans have turned out in Hasselhoff-esque numbers to hear him speak if they knew associated with a guy who played a role where he domestically abused a bag of weed in a fantasy sequence? Will the party faithful turn a blind eye to this "Slick Willie" because he's friends with a guy who played a character who was at Gitmo? Only time will tell...

P.S. If Scarlett Johansson would like to be in an email relationship that the press won't jump all over (or even notice), I can be reached at devin at b-i-g-s-o-d-a dot com. I'll be waiting.